T-Shirtz n' ting

If you were cursed with an XY chromosome formation in the womb, then you’re fucked when it comes to fashion. Girls, your splendid array of halternecks, juliette sleeves and tapered hems leave me seething with rage. You hog the fashion smorgasbord and leave boys with nothing but discarded remains. As far as our torso’s go, we can choose between T-shirt and shirt. That’s it. You all sicken me.

Given our limited options, design is everything. So here are the T-shirts most likely to amplify your personal brand in 2010.

GENRE-CORE



Christian-blip, fish n glitch, shoe-rave – all legitimate trends for the discerning twenty-tensy music consumer. But how to let people know exactly what you’re buzzing on without looking like one of those fold up n’ draw three-people-draw-three sections-of-a-man-game? Enter Hipster Runoff to pull you out of this puddle of discontent. From Sufjan-house to Pitchforkcore, it’s all there. In any relevant dive-bar you won’t even need to open your mouth to let people know you’re surfing on the crest of an epic cultural wave.



As the above diagram shows, in 2010, ambiguity is out. Increasingly shorter attention spans are going to lead to a new-wave of litero-style. Look out for Blogrizovic's new snow-boots featuring a constantly updating ‘last.fm most played’ list embossed on the sole. If you’re gonna leave a footprint, at least make it say something about you.

TWEECORE



If you’re going to sit cross-legged in the corner of a bar reading Hunter S Thompson on a beautiful Sunday afternoon, this is the T-shirt to do it in. Within days you’ll have the entire shy-girl-in-cute-plaid-shirt market covered. You’ve got a subtle yet intelligent sense of humour, you enjoy cups of tea, and the last thing you want is to have your heart-broken. Just remember to delete your internet history often and you’ll be fine.

AUTHENTOCORE




When it comes to band T-shirts there’s a definite cool-hierarchy. At the bottom you’ve got your mis-shapen Kasabian T-shirt written in the wrong font and bought from a Kosovan refugee outside the 02 Academy.

Slightly higher up but still not acceptable are Ramones/Sonic Youth/The Clash T-shirts bought from Topman. By wearing these you’re kind of a walking metaphysical paradox, violently negating any sort of kudos you may have had to the point where you actually cancel out your own existence. All that’ll be left is a gloopy patch of VO5 BedHead Clay where you once stood. That’s no way to live your life.

Striding to the top of the pile are authentic vintage band T-shirts that you secured via the three beautiful words we know as ‘Buy It Now.’ Mmmm, Michael Jackson original 1982 Bad Tour Shirt, Oooooh 1987 Genesis Invisible Touch LP Cover Shirt. Content is irrelevant here. You reached beyond the High Street, and the rewards and yours and yours alone.

WTF-CORE



Classic T-shirt syllogism passed down from the Greeks tells us the following:

Supposition A - Plain White T-Shirts are uninteresting.

Supposition B -You are wearing a plain white T-Shirt

Ergo: You are uninteresting

(Dionysius et al; forthcoming)

So let’s reverse this statement and extrapolate to its opposing parallax:

Supposition A – You are wearing a T-shirt displaying the illustrated face of an elder lion, proud, hirsute, staring intently through thick-rimmed NHS prescription lenses, quietly contemplating whether contact lenses are adaptable into his daily routine.

Supposition B – “WTF even is that? Hey *insert name of girl who previously assumed you were the University Janitor* have you like, seen this? LMAO!

Ergo – You get all the girls you get all the girls.

Chances are any attention you get will strictly be for a limited time only. If you’re wearing this you must come prepared with pre-scripted conversation topics to revert to once the initial hubbub dies down.

xxx

Ps.

Since this blog entered the public domain all of the above T-shirts, ideas and attitudes have ceased to be cool. Be aware that by subscribing to any of the above viewpoints you are essentially selling yourself out. Maybe you should just grow a beard or something.